MISTAKE

Your country may have to queue for a cable ship

A draft coordination mechanism would rank states for access to the small fleet able to repair submarine cables. Position in the queue would be fixed months in advance, and would be very much worth negotiating over.

SATIREBy 20304 min read
A cable repair vessel tied up at dawn with coiled cable on deck and a line of waiting trucks on the quay.

Under a coordination mechanism now circulating between telecommunications regulators and maritime authorities, the vessels capable of lifting a damaged submarine cable off the seabed and splicing it would be placed inside a shared priority framework. States and cable consortia would hold a ranked standing entitlement to repair capacity, agreed months ahead, rather than telephoning for a ship on the day the traffic stops. There is no treaty behind this. There is a spreadsheet.

The arithmetic is what makes the idea thinkable at all. Almost everything the world sends abroad travels along cables lying on a seabed, and the fleet that can mend them fits on a single page, is older than the people chartering it would like, and moves slowly enough that a ship already working off one coast is, for practical purposes, absent from another for a fortnight.

The draft would rank claims rather than ration them. Population dependent on the route, the existence of alternative paths, whether payment systems or hospital traffic ride on the affected link — each would carry a weight. The annex containing those weights is described in the covering note as technical. It is the part every delegation would read first, and in most cases the only part.

“We would not be deciding who gets the internet,” an official attached to the drafting group would say. “We would be deciding who gets it back first. Those are two different sentences, and only the second one can be put in a calendar.”

A place in a queue is a tradable thing, and a framework that writes the queue down converts an engineering constraint into a diplomatic instrument. States hosting repair depots, spare cable stores and the yards able to build replacements would find themselves holding leverage that appears in no trade agreement, and would discover they had been strategically significant for thirty years without anybody mentioning it.

The least discussed clause is also the most useful. The bottleneck is frequently not the ship but the permission. Repair work inside territorial waters requires clearance, and clearance moves at the speed of an office rather than of a fault. The draft proposes pre-authorisation: paperwork issued in advance for damage that has not happened yet, so that the approvals would be finished before the cable breaks.

None of it is agreed. But the fleet is the fleet, a new cable ship takes years between order and launch, and the decision to build one has to be made by somebody who will not be in the job when it is needed. A queue forms whether or not anyone writes it down. The proposal's only real claim is that it is better to write it down in a quiet year.

This story is satire: it describes a hypothetical future, not a real event.

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What we wrote

We wrote it in 2021

One day the junior developer's main skill could be describing the problem clearly enough for the machine to solve it.

What actually happened

Reality caught up in 2025

AI coding assistants are built into mainstream development tools, and producing code from a plain-language description is now a routine part of professional software work.

Vendor product documentation and developer surveys on assistant adoption.

The joke was the job description. The job description was updated.

How close we were88%

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